Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Everybody Needs a Little Sunshine, Sometime.

One of the things I was most excited about when making the decision to move to New Mexico was that it has 300 sunny days per year, on average.  Well...today isn't one if them.  What made this especially grim on this day was the fact that I am feeling lonely and really missing my husband, children and friends.

During my morning quiet time I was questioning God on His plan for us, for me.  Did I misread signs?  Did I jump ahead of His will?  As confident that I was before I left Chicago, I now wondered if that confidence was merely my desire for adventure.  As I sat in my little room in the warehouse that I share with four hippies, I prayed for something...something to let me know that I was okay...I was in The Plan.  I contemplated the words of the particular scripture I was reading this morning and one line kept popping out to me.  "Obedience to God comes before obedience to man."

What in the world?  Does my loneliness come from the fact that it has been somewhat of a struggle for me to be away from my family?  Does it stem from the fact that it seems to be difficult for John that I am so far away?  Is it "man" (albeit my family in this case) that is causing me to feel ill at ease because I feel like I'm not "obeying" them by being away from them?

My very least favorite feeling is when I am unsure if I am doing the right thing and as a result letting people down or causing them to need therapy for the rest of their life.  "Why oh why does the weight of the world rest upon my shoulders alone," she asked herself as she thought for a moment she was back in Drama class.

So, outside of my window grey skies greet me.  I decide to go outside and have a cigarette.  As I light up, I look up to the heavens.  It is there that I see the most beautiful expanse of sunny skies in a break in the clouds.  I almost wept.

I guess the lesson today is...no matter how grey the skies may appear on first glance, there is a sunny sky above it all.


Thursday, April 4, 2013

I Forgot What it was Like

It has now been three full days that I have spent "living" in my new city and one whole day "living" in my new temporary home, The Warehouse.  Last night was my first night.  I moved in my suitcase, two boxes of stuff - crafting stuff and "memory-hang-on-the-wall" stuff- and beggar to arrange my new room.  I have never longed for some Farmhouse stuff so much until it came to making my new temporary home comfortable.

I have forgotten what it is like to have restrictions on what you can hang on the wall, or the awkwardness of living with people who aren't your family.

This morning I woke up at 5:00am.  My normal routine at home would be...pee, brush teeth, put coffe cup in microwave for two minutes, smoke outside, come back to get coffee from microwave, sit down and star my quiet contemplative time.  This is a routine I have been following for years...no worries.  Today, I worried about ech step in the routine.  Was I up too early for everyone else in the house?  Was the microwave too loud as it was warming my coffee?  If I open the door to go outside to smoke are they going to think someone is trying to break in?  Where ARE the kitchen lights anyhow?

I managed to accomplish my routine, but it was wrought with stress and tension as I wondered what the other roommates thought and how what I was doing might affect them.

After work tonight, when I returned "home", I knew I wanted to make an effort to bond a little, even though everything in me wanted to just go up to my room, close the door and do my own thing.

One of the roomies, Keith, was staring at the fish in his aquarium.  "What in God's name are you watching for when you look at those fish?" I asked.  It could have gone either way, but he took it the way I intended it and we had a really interesting conversation about fish.

We joined the other roomies in the kitchen, who were cooking dinner and had a pretty decent bonding experience.

Tomorrow when I wake up at 5:00am, I will not be so tense as I walk downstairs, turn on the kitchen lights and microwave my coffee before going outside to have my morning cigarette.

It is as I have known all along.  Time.  It takes time.


Tuesday, April 2, 2013

The Adventure Begins

Here I sit, enjoying breakfast at the hotel.  I begin my new job in 40 minutes and I have forgotten my coat in Chicago.  Oh well...that's okay.  It's a bit warmer here in Santa Fe.

House hunting...I think I found a permanent-temporary place to live.  I've been searching on Craigslist for rooms to rent temporarily.  I took a look at a totally unconventional space last night that I fell in love with, in the spirit of adventure.  It's in a warehouse...yes a warehouse!  How cool is that?  I will be sharing the space with 4 artists, all of whom are much younger than I.  I will have my own bright room where I can hang out while I'm here sans family.  The backyard looks out onto some beautiful mountains...well...after you look past the parking lot.

I figure that it's only temporary, so why not live the adventure whilst I can.  The others in the space seem nice enough, although they are NOT the Northbrook kind of personalities I'm used to.  I am looking forward to getting to know them through their stories.

My body knows that it is closer to its roots being more west.  It's happy.