Tuesday, January 18, 2011

My New Year Resolution was to stop blogging so much...:)

Okay, I've been absent here. For those of you who live and die by my blogs, I apologize profusely. The crazy thing is that I've been writing my thoughts down more than ever...just not here. I'm working on some stuff...some internal stuff and it's causing me to be "still."

We skyped with Johnny yesterday. He's in Madrid for a semester. It was wierd. No one could think of anything to say, really. I kept trying to think of questions to ask, but I just wanted to enjoy being "still" and see his face looking out at our faces and the other kids' faces just looking at him. What is it to miss a person? I don't "miss" him in that I miss his presence. Technology keeps us in constant communication whether it's via skype or facebook or my blog or his blog (www.oohyeahMadrid.tumblr.com) or email. What I feel is an ache that he is so far away geographically. I don't know that this defines "missing" someone. It's more of a fear that he's out of physical reach to me...and it's only been a week and a half, so the ache is not even that strong yet. I imagine with time the physical separation will grow the ache...and perhaps that is what "missing" is.

In other news...I'm having an awesome 2011 so far in that I am totally embracing me for who I am. I'm trying to love and accept love. I know...this just went too deep for many, so I'll work on that kind of stuff privately, but I would like to apologize to anyone I have hurt...ever...especially if I haven't even realized that I hurt you.

My great experiment is to let my hair grow out completely naturally - no more coloring. I am wanting to embrace the grey. I think it'll be okay...I think I'm not going to get lost if I don't have blonde hair...I think it will be an outward sign of an inward embracing of my life. My word of the year this year is "moment". I desire to live each one fully. For example...the other day, KR, Gracey and I were walking into Borders. The two of them were slightly ahead of me and all I could see was their backs entering the store. I was struck by the fact that I prayed for this as a little girl. I wanted daughters...I wanted to be a mom...I wanted to enjoy activities with my offspring. My heart stopped momentarily as I embraced how totally God answered this long ago prayer of a little girl who had no real knowledge of Him - only trust.

Okay...that's it for now. Have a great day.



Jan said...

I love this post. I love it when you go deep. I get the being still thing - SO get it. Sometimes words just for the sake of words sorta defile those sweet, thoughtful moments. :) And I so get the missing.

I had this funny (weird)thing happen over Christmas. My son from AZ (might as well be the moon) and his wife and Chris and were sitting around the table talking. We Skype a lot and Matthew mentioned something in his living room. My mind just went "live" to a Skype visit we'd had where I could see this (irrelevant) thing - and I was back in a Skype moment. Just as suddenly, I came back to the present and there were Matthew and Martha, sitting live and in person right in front of me. I totally choked up at the reality of it, the GIFT of it. Missing them is just the void of not having them within reach. Skype is a fake reality. But I'm grateful for it. :)

One more thing: Goooooo grey! ;)

Jeannie said...

hey there diane. just droppin by to say hola. :)