Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Most Negative Post I've Ever Written

The New Year is approaching. This is a time of....what?....of renewal?...of looking back?...of saying to yourself, "Why the hell am I here and when is this going to be over?"

There's just too much...too much stuff...too much to do...too much to accomplish, with not enough time to appreciate any of it.

Perhaps I can learn to simplify. The panic to simplifying is the ever-gnawing question, "But what if you're SUPPOSED to do this (or that or even the other thing) for the betterment of all of God's creation (or at least some of them).

I'm struggling here...and I have no right to.
I think I'm having a mid-life crisis, but I can't afford a new convertible.
I want to just watch for awhile, like the fly on the wall.
I want time to stop so that I can figure things out.
I don't want to let anyone down.
I think I understand my mother more today than I ever have before.

I want to live life to the fullest, but I don't know how to live each MOMENT to the fullest and in order to do the former, it makes sense that you have to be able to do the latter.

I always thought I'd be able to grow older with enthusiasm, but now I think I was wrong. All I can muster is growing older with confusionism.

Pray for me during this New Year and I'll pray for you.



Jan said...

Dear Beautiful Diane,
Oh my good Lord, can I ever relate! I am always excited for a new year, a fresh start, but I wonder if it's going to be yet another year of never really being able to focus on what the heckfire I WANTED to focus on. I'm feel the lack of concentration and the inability to have an intelligent conversation anymore. And it's not just as a result of the holidays, though that chaos doesn't help. My "one word" for 2011 IS focus. I'm really hoping I can do it. But HOW??? I'm so with ya... I love you for stating what many are afraid to admit! In my head I know it will get better, but it's hard to reconcile that when you're in the midst of feeling otherwise.
Hang in there...feel the love.

Shell said...

HA! It must be going around, b/c I should not be anywhere near a midlife crisis yet I've come to a halt and said what the heck am I doing here. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Maybe I'll just settle for Peter Pan! I like wearing tights anyway.

Nancy Mae said...

My Dearly beloved daughter,
It is just so ironic that I have just read your blog...I don't always get to as much as I'd like. This morning during my time with...you know...Him...as I was praying my prayer of 'Dedication of Soul and Body to God's Service, with a Resolution to be growing daily in Goodness'(The Book of Common Prayer). When I had finished, I whispered to myself "Self, you need to share this with Diane." So here we are and now I know why.

'And since it is of your mercy, O gracious Father, That another day is added to our lives; We here dedicate both our souls and our bodies to you and your service, in a sober, righteous, and godly life; in which resolution, do you, O merciful God, confirm and strengthen us; that, as we grow in age, we may grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen'

In my opinion, in our life, as we age, it is not about "doing" or "being all things to all people" or "trying to amend past mistakes" or "concerning ourselves about our future" but rather it is all about growing in our knowledge (to KNOW) our Lord and Saviour...practice being with Him moment by moment, never take your eyes off of Him for He is your true Love. This surely will cause your soul to be young and vibrant, beautiful for others to see. to be about His business (He will let you know what that is) and fill you with a peace which surpasses all understanding...come and grow old with me, my dear. It really is great fun!

Praise the Lord and pass the pie!

(Just remember, this is not all there is, we are just passing thru and that is why we feel like we don't belong here, because it is not our permanent home)

Wow, I think I just blogged my own blog! Love you so much!