Thursday, June 24, 2010

For Julie

Just about the time that I find I'm ready to give up, to give in to the world around me, I take one more opportunity to depend on God for strength to get through.

By the way - this isn't for Julie because she needs these words, this is called "For Julie" because she was actually missing my blog posts and that makes me feel very special.

Without trying to be too much of a downer, I'll share my thoughts on the last few days. I'm stuck. I'm in a prison, serving a sentence for an undetermined length of time. Every once in a while, I catch a glimmer of hope - the lawyer finds a potential judge who can tell us exactly how long I have to be in prison before being set free. But something inevitably happens to that particular judge and I am left judgeless once again. See, it's the judge that knows my future and has the power to grant me freedom or at least let me know how long of a sentence I need to serve. If I knew how long of a sentence I had to serve, I could make the most of it. I would decorate my cell; I would set goals for how many books I'd read; I'd learn a new skill; I'd know what to keep and what I no longer need. I'd PLAN. I would no longer be in prison. I'd be free. I would have knowledge. I am happy and can survive very well with knowledge. Even if the judge told me that I would be in prison for ten years, just having the knowledge of that would set my mind free.

Here is where I get stuck. Sometimes not knowing is what is best for me. By not knowing, I have to continually rely on God for everything. I have to rely on Him for perseverance. I have to rely on Him for my daily bread and water. I have to rely on Him for the strength to have kind, caring words for the warden. I have to rely on Him for the desire to live each day to the fullest - even without the knowledge, knowing that each day is a gift. (Okay, now I'm getting all sappy and stuff, so I'll stop)

Just suffice it all to say that I received a care package from "home" yesterday and it made the prison so much less prison-y.

Sometimes I think I have my very own language that only I can understand, so if you are reading this and have a big thought bubble outside of your head with a gigantic question mark inside, don't despair. It's not you; it's just me.



Julie said...

SMOOCH!! I missed you - welcome back!

Janice said...

I get the "prison meme". Wanting something for yourself or your children or your parents and even asking God for it and then WAITING (that is very hard) for it, TRUSTING, and wondering how it will turn out is very difficult sometimes. And it is not always fun or rewarding. At least in the short term. But God has promised to be with us. Even when we feel alone. Prayers for you and yours!!